


Swipe Right

by wizardtwins



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, and kravitz is 27, but its there, its background blupjeans, the twins are like 24, this might get Sexy later so im tagging it mature for now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-22 04:33:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12473588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizardtwins/pseuds/wizardtwins
Summary: Taako is annoyingly single so Lup attempts to help him remedy this. They find Kravitz on Tinder and Taako is smitten.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I actually wrote it! Sorry for liberal use of italics!

Lup wasn’t sure if Taako had even opened the fucking app _once_ yet. He made such a big deal out of downloading it - his Twitter was plastered with tweets to the tune of “ _Finally time for ol Taako to settle down and find a man,”_ and “ _I deserve to be cherished_ ,” but it had been three weeks and he hadn’t mentioned a single guy to her, which is definitely something she would have heard about. Her brother had complained to her countless times about the dreadfulness of single life, the inability to go on double dates with her and her husband Barry, and that there was just _no way_ Lup could _ever_ understand his plight, as she’s been in a relationship for 8 years. She loved Taako, but she was also starting to lose her damn mind about this situation.

Taako was in the kitchen trying to perfect his buttercream piping technique on a Saturday afternoon. Lup was over, because she always is, laying on the couch in her brother’s tiny apartment, lazily switching between staring at the television and watching her brother practice. Her phone went off, breaking the silence. It was a text from her husband explaining that he’d had ‘ _a long ass day_ ’ and wanted to get drunk. That’s her boy for sure.

“Heeeey Taako, Barry wants to go out tonight, you in?” Lup asked, speaking purposefully loud so that Taako will actually look up from his frosting to reply to her.

“As much as I love being your third wheel, I think tonight is a _Taako lays on the couch drinking red wine and watching Netflix documentaries until he passes out at 9pm_ kind of night,” Taako said, literally not looking up from his damn frosting. Lup just laughed in response and they both went back to their comfortable silence.

Seeing him so focused and passionate about something made a wave of pride rush through her. Taako was finally doing what he wanted - attending culinary school - and was totally thriving, but still seemed genuinely bummed about his lacking romantic life. She looked back over to the TV after watching Taako for a few moments and noticed his phone sitting on the coffee table. A genius plan began to form in her mind.

Lup very stealthily reached over to nab Taako’s phone, unlocking it without a second thought. She knows his lock screen pattern, obviously - there isn’t much about him she _doesn’t_ know. Immediately she opened Tinder, because _holy shit this boy needs to get laid._ She only planned to look for a few seconds, just to see what the situation was. He wouldn’t mind.  Hopefully.

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Taako had only uploaded a few pictures of himself, wrote “too gay to function” as his profile description, and not bothered to look through his matches on the app at all. Zero conversations. Lup began to sigh, but was interrupted by a hand being placed on her shoulder.

“Hey, earth to Lup, I am talking to you! Bonjour! Konnichi w-,” Taako cut himself off, realizing that the phone in Lup’s hands was definitely not hers. “Yo, what the fuck gives, sis?” he questioned in the most convincing angry tone he can muster when talking to his sister.

“Listen, Koko, if I have to sit around and hear you complain about being single while still refusing to do literally anything about it, I’m going to die for real.” Taako only sighed in response and attempted to grab his phone back from his sister. “Oh hell no, go back to your icing. I’m gonna scope these Hot Boys for you and if I see any keepers, I’ll letcha know,” Lup said, speaking through a grin.

“Fine,” Taako sighed, “but you could have at least asked first.” He put his hands on his hips upon realizing Lup was already swiping rapidly through a bunch of stranger’s faces.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Oooh, look at this one. Brian, 10 miles away. He’s from Germany? Is Brian even a fucking German name? Do you like accents?” Lup asked, speaking more to herself than to Taako. He wasn’t listening anymore regardless, he was already back to his piping. She kept swiping through pictures of people, occasionally reading a description out loud for Taako to laugh or cringe at. God, Lup was glad she never had to go through this shit. She and Barry met in high school and had been together since. Admittedly, she didn’t know a damn thing about what dating is like now, but she knew damn well what kind of guy Taako wanted, because they’re twins, but also because he never stops talking about needing a ‘goth bf’.

Eventually she came across a man who seemed to have shots from a professional photoshoot as his profile pictures. Or he was just really good at taking selfies. Lup couldn’t tell. His dark hair was in long dreadlocks, pulled back into a knot and adorned with golden loops and a few black feathers. He was in an entirely black suit, black shirt, black tie, black everything, except for a tiny little skull pin on his breast pocket. _Holy shit, this guy is a trip,_ Lup thought to herself _._ He didn’t even have a real bio or anything, just a fucking skull emoji. 5 miles away. _Jackpot, bitch._

“Babe come here, like, instantly. Like right now,” Lup yelled in her brother’s direction. Taako dropped his piping bag and apprehensively walked towards the couch, leaning over his sister’s shoulder. “Please look at this ridiculous man, you will love him.”

And he did. He didn’t want to admit it, but this guy was damn fine. “Hachi machi,” Taako said with a newly formed smirk across his lips. “What’s his name?”

“Kravitz. You think that’s his first name or last name? So dark and mysterious. He looks like he takes as long to get ready in the morning as you do,” she said while poking Taako in his side. “You’re gonna talk to this boy.” That wasn’t a suggestion, it was a demand. She’d already swiped right on him.

Taako opened his mouth to protest but Lup continued, getting her stuff together as she spoke. “Ya girl’s gotta fly and go home and get ready for a night out on the town with her man. Your homework for tonight is to get drunk enough on that wine that you message this Kravitz boy and get yourself some ass. Or dick. I don’t want to know.” She blew a kiss and waltzed out the door before Taako could even begin to overshare about his sex life.

He looked down at his phone resting on the couch and sighed. Picking it up, he swiped through a few of Kravitz’s pictures, feeling a smile form across his face. Lup really does know his type, this one’s _dead_ on the money, toe to tip. _Goddammit,_ he thought to himself before throwing his phone back on the ground and walking towards the kitchen. He still needed to clean up the Frosting Mess he made while practicing earlier, and there was a stack of dirty dishes sitting in the sink. Taako sighed and began to clean.

He got about halfway through the stack of plates before hearing his phone going off across the room. He took his kitchen gloves off and walked over, picking up his phone and expecting some sort of text from Lup about where she and Barold were headed that night, or a dog meme from Magnus. Instead, it was a notification from Tinder.

_‘It’s a match! You and Kravitz have liked each other. Start a conversation?’_

_Fuck no._ Taako tossed his phone on the floor and it slid a few feet away. _Not tonight, no way. This is Taako Night,_ he thought, _I ain’t gonna waste my time on no man_. He’d finish the dishes tomorrow, it was wine and Netflix time. He poured himself a glass filled to the brim of his comically large glass that had _‘Wine Mom’_ written on it in Comic Sans. It was a Candlenights present from Lup a few years back. He collected all the pillows and blankets he owned, made an elaborate half-fort half-pile on the couch which he cocooned himself in, and loaded up _Forensic Files_ on his TV.

 _“_ This is the fuckin life, _"_   Taako said aloud to himself before settling in and taking a huge swig of wine. He got through about four episodes and two glasses of wine before he heard a notification on his phone. And then another. With a dramatic sigh, he thrust the blankets and pillows off himself and stood up, briefly realizing he was a bit more drunk than he thought he was. He made his way over to where his phone still rested on the floor from when he threw it there only a few hours ago. He continued his dramatics as his leaned over to pick up his phone, ready to be annoyed at whichever of his asshole friends decided it was okay to interrupt Taako Time.

An “oh,” escaped his mouth when he saw what the notifications were. His phone had unlocked right into Tinder, and was on the conversations page. Taako felt his stomach sink slightly with anxiety. He had two messages from the guy Lup had found earlier.

_‘Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Taako.’_

_‘My name is Kravitz, I hope you’re having a nice night.’_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kravitz makes great first impressions. Someone fucks a Samus monstrosity. Taako falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall i wrote half of this chapter drunk in the back seat of a car at 6am after drinking and playing laser tag for 7 hours straight. sorry its weird!

Taako stood in the middle of his tiny living room, contemplating his next move. He cursed at nothing in particular, besides his own brain, for apparently getting so worked up about a dumb dating app. He blamed it on the wine, and definitely not any form of anxiety. No way. It was the wine. It definitely was the wine, and definitely not the feeling in the pit of Taako’s stomach when he looked at the handsome face staring at him from his phone screen. It certainly wasn’t the smile that crept onto his lips when he reread the messages that had been sent to him.

It was the wine, and none of that bullshit.

He lazily walked his way back over to his cocoon of blankets and slumped himself on top of them, laying on his stomach on the length of the couch, phone still in his hands. He can do this. He’s Taako, from TV. Okay, well, he hasn’t been on TV yet, but maybe when he finishes culinary school they will cast him on the next season of _Food Network Star,_ and of course he’ll win, and then he will be on TV, and everyone will love him. _Everyone already loves you_ , he assured himself, _so talk to this Hot Boy and stop being a fucking goofus._

This was easier said than done, and Taako buried his face into the mess of blankets below him. “Why is this guy being so fucking formal? He’s probably just trying to get into my pants anyways,” Taako said aloud to himself, his words muffled by the blankets. “Might as well keep the expectations low.”

He looked back at the screen, hoping he would find new inspiration from reading those same words for the sixth time.

 **K:** Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Taako.  
**K:** My name is Kravitz, I hope you’re having a nice night.

Not much to work with there. But he’s hot, so Taako will let it slide. He will let Kravitz slide, too, slide right into him. Sorry, that was the wine.

 **T:** hey bonedaddy wyd tonight

 _Yup. Perfect. Flawless execution. This is how you get a man._ Sighing dramatically, Taako stood up from the couch, paused the episode of _Forensic Files,_ picked up his wine glass and walked into his bedroom. _It’s late_ , he decided. _Bed time for ya boi._

He picked up a hair tie from his desk and held it in his mouth while he gathered his long blond locks toward the back of his head, muttering “I’m too drunk for this shit” through his teeth. Taako put his hair into a messy bun and was about to walk into the bathroom to wash his face and finish getting ready for bed when he heard his phone go off.

“Fuckin’ fine,” he said, still talking to no one but himself. _Oh, it’s just Lup. Oh, fuck. It’s Lup._

 **L:** bitch you better be talking to that boy or i swear to god. i swear  
**L:** to  
**L:** GOD  
**L:** taako i swear to god  
**L:** barry says he swears to god too

Taako elected to ignore his drunk sister. He’ll regret that when she shows up at his apartment tomorrow, but he can come up with an excuse by then. Putting his phone down, he walked into his bathroom and finished his nightly beauty routine, taking extra time to rub that moisturizer in and extra time to brush his teeth. He’s not stalling, it’s the wine.

After 20 minutes of pampering, Taako emerged and walked back to his desk to retrieve his phone, purposefully ignoring the blinking red light that means he has unread notifications. He leaned over to hit his light switch and clumsily walked in the dark over to his bed to flop dramatically onto it. When it came time to plug his phone into its charger, he could no longer ignore whatever messages were waiting for him.

 **K:** Ahaha uhhh  
**K:** well, I stayed late at the office tonight to finish some paperwork.  
**K:** Now I’m just very tired and bored. You? ;)

Three points, one: at least he laughed, two: office boy probably has money, three: _goddamn that winky face._

 **T:** hell yea baby chase that paper  
**T:** cha boy is just chillin in bed after a wine  & netflix sesh  
**T:** what u do for work, handsome? ;) ;) ;)

 **K:** Nice, nice. I’m a crime statistics data analyst and researcher for a company contracted by the government. So… nerd shit. Sorry, lol.

_Okay okay he definitely has some money then. Wait, stop. I’m not that shallow. Am I? Nooo. No. It’s the wine._

**K:** what were you watching?

 **T:** …… forensic files  
**T:** do u get to work on shit like that  
**T:** like crazy murders and stuff

 **K:** Ah, not really… it’s more like trends in local crime and statistical stuff… I don’t solve crime. I wish I did

 **T:** rip rip ok if u could have any job ever what would it be

 **K:** I’d be a bounty hunter

 **T:** we talkin like dog the bounty hunter or like samus aran

 **K:** I’ll go with somewhere between the two.

 **T:** which would u rather fuck, dog the bounty hunter’s head on samus aran’s body, or samus aran’s head on dog the bounty hunter’s body

 **K:** uhhhhhhhhhhhh  
**K:** can I choose neither

 **T:** no you absolutely must fuck one

At this point, Taako’s anxiety had caught up to him. “What the _fuck_ am I even talking about,” he wondered aloud. _Oh well, I suppose scaring him off now is better than scaring him off later._ He waited a few minutes laying on his back in the dark, trying not to let his insecurities get the better of him. His consciousness drifted slowly as his mind wandered away from Kravitz. Warm and comfortable from the wine and the soft blankets below him, Taako fell asleep.

His phone had fallen out of his hands and somehow ended up under him, muffling the sound of any notifications he might get. He slept for what felt like 10 minutes, but when he woke, the only light source - his alarm clock - was shining a bright “2:21 AM” from across his room.

Taako blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the darkness and wake up a bit. He moved his hands around on the bed, frantically searching for his phone. When he finds it, he sees Kravitz had replied three hours ago. _Fuck._

 **K:** alright if i really have to, I would choose Samus head, Dog body. Please don’t ask why.  
**K:** hey I… you’re really funny, I enjoyed talking to you tonight  
**K:** so is it cool if I get your number? Tinder kills my phone’s battery lol  
**K:** if it’s not cool I understand

 _Well shit. I iced him big time,_ Taako thinks. He got out of bed, his head already starting to hurt with promise of a hangover for tomorrow. Silently cursing his genetics for making him so prone to migraines, he walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water and pop an Advil.

Parts of his Frosting Mess are still strewn about the kitchen, but that is a job for Tomorrow Taako. Tonight Taako is going to waltz his ass right back to sleep. Before laying back down on his bed, he opens his phone one last time.

 **T:** oh shit hot stuff, i fell asleep on you  
**T:** big sorry :*  
**T:** my number’s 555-244-3425  
**T:** i expect to have a good morning text from you when i get up, goth boy  
**T:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea i told u it was weird. sorry it's not fluffy yet... ill get there.... they're gonna meet irl next chapter ok
> 
> yell at me on tumblr @wizardtwins
> 
> love u and GOD thank you for the wild support on the first chapter! sorry it took me like over a week to update...

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll hopefully be updating this reasonably quickly, but if I don't come beg me on Tumblr [@wizardtwins](http://www.wizardtwins.tumblr.com)
> 
> The post this is based off is [here!](http://wizardtwins.tumblr.com/post/166664193106/wizardtwins-wizardtwins-taakitz-modern-day-au)


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